WORD ON
THE STREET
You know the Word On The Street column in TimeOut? Ridiculous stuff overheard in London, tweeted in by readers?
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Well, it's mostly my submissions: 95 and counting. I've done a couple of hat-tricks, and one time I got 4 in one issue. I don't know how I do it. Perhaps I'm just constantly surrounded by hilarity. Or by weirdos. I might one day switch to full-time eavesdropping.
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Here's the full list of published submissions.
And no, I've never made one up.
"Stop ghosting the new shoe rack, Stef."
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"I've just realised I have nine chicken carcasses in the oven."
"I mean, it’s hard to resist a good tentacle."
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"Your tears probably smell nice."
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"There's only so much you can elevate gnocchi."
"Humans are just inherently disappointing."
"Well, if you're not going to move to Bethnal Green, you may as well fuck off to Mexico."
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"You know, this is not the only place in London you can see a jar of moles."
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"I love cheese, but mac'n'cheese is too cheesy for me."
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"You just don't make meatballs at 5am!"
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"Dogs have a very specific agenda, which is 'feed me or I'll die.'"
"I got cock-blocked by a puppy."
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“Did you just compare Jesus to a Diet Coke?”
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“The thing is, soggy peanuts are not so delightful.”
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“Oh yes, there are some ponds over there – but they are quite pathetic.”
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“Get off your bloody high horse and get on a Shetland pony.”
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“So what? You share 70 percent of your DNA with sweetcorn.”
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“I just love St James’s Park — everything is touchable.”
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“We need to find out how many blokes lose their balls on stag dos per year.”
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“Are you telling me you have a black Armani bag full of your exes’ dildos?”
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“I wouldn’t want anyone related to her to go anywhere near my spine.”
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“When a burger is taller than it is wide, you know it’s going to be problematic.”
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“Let’s just hope that next time we’re here, we get puked on again.”
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“God, you're such a stressful loiterer!”
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“First off, we need to agree on the surface area of a crumpet.”
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“I live for guac.”
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“You don’t even need a pee, you just want to pee on a swan.”
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“My husband is currently singing a song to a dying hamster.”
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“Penguins don’t eat Penguin bars. They need genetically modified fish with jokes inside.”
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“Well, I don’t see why you wouldn’t spend all of your time covered in latex and tied up if you own a flat in South Ken.”
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“She’s a bartender in Hackney Wick. Of course she’s a feminist.”
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“They’re not budgie smugglers! More like eagle smugglers.”
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“What do you mean, they’ve taken away the crisps? Is this some kind of a Jamie Oliver situation?”
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“We named her Stella. Yeah, after the lager.”
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“I find courgettes quite unpredictable.”
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“Oh God, I’ve been spelling ‘covfefe’ wrong all this time.”
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"I've reached the end of Tinder."
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“Cucumbers just ruin everything.”
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“Oh my God, I don’t care. Just pick an escalator.”
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“I’d much rather talk about dicks than about work.”
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“No, no, no. I’m a Virgo. So everything needs to be scheduled.”
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“He doesn‘t look like Jim, he looks like that guy who looks like Jim.”
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“This is the last time I’m talking about keto in 2019.”
“I’ve never had a bad gravy experience.”
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“At school I was famous for despising rave music.”
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“Stop telling me where I can and can’t drown!”
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“Married life is exactly the same as unmarried life, except that people keep asking 'how's married life'.”
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“There’s just no comfortable place for my tongue in my mouth.”
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“Pretty sure you need consent to put a dick hat on someone.”
"What can I say? I've never seen an alpaca yawn before."
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That pony definitely looks like an overthinker to me."
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"There should be a dating app for people who like balconies."
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"These profiteroles are sweating profusely."
"It’s true that he’s a psycho, but that’s what I like about him."
“Basically, I've embedded myself within the Peckham whippet community.”
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“I’ll probably end up having a kid anyway, just as something to experiment on.”
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“I just can’t believe he has lived his whole life without a spatula.”
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“Brussels sprouts are basically cabbage embryos.”
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“I feel all sticky, and not in a good way.”
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“I’m sorry, but how does taking a dump in a bin contribute to the group?”
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“Kneecaps are the chins of your legs.”
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“Who needs chocolate when you have rye bread?”
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“I’m not gluten-intolerant, I’m gluten-prejudiced.”
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“Anyone who has tried hash browns knows they are the real stars of the show.”
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“I’ve never Dutch-ovened my cat, but I know he wouldn’t mind it.”
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“This would’ve been nerdy before. But in 2018, everyone’s an orc.“
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“Don’t be ridiculous. Tea is obviously so much better than BDSM.“
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“How could you even be from the Arctic Circle? You’re probably from Shadwell.”
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“For the last time: I’m a primary school teacher, I can’t shave my eyebrows off!”
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"Just because they’re pagans doesn’t mean they can’t wear Gore-Tex, Chloe.”
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"So how was the trip? Who's got chlamydia?"
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"I only use yellow gesture emoji now. When I pick the white skin ones, I feel racist."
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"I like this tree. Looks very deliberate."
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"I'm a big believer in cold drinks."
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"What happened to Big Ben? Are they fixing Ben's dong?"
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"On a personal level, I would love to have more data."
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"I think I prefer mushrooms. They understand me better."
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"Look, I've been a veggie for three years and it's fine — anaemic, but alive."
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"The thing with sausages is that there are no rules."
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"I knew he was special when it turned out he also loves the ends of garlic baguettes."
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"Plastic bags?! Thanks to you we now have something in our house that will outlive us both."
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"Replacing meat with fish is fine, but quorn?! That's tofu territory."
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"Surf’n’Turf is an insult to both the lobster and the cow."
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"Is the plural for penis spelled p-e-n-i-s-e-s? I've never had to deal with more than one before."
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"It’s the first time I’ve ever disagreed with Holly Willoughby."
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"If you can't keep a succulent alive, you're not ready for relationships."
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"Star Wars is basically EastEnders in space."
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"My Instagram has matured a lot."
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“I’m an absolute bellend for highlighting and bolding.”
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"I couldn't date the kind of person who gets excited about Aerosmith.”
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"Everything is free if you have a spoon."
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"I had another nightmare about carbs."
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"Can we order food first and then talk about your teeth?"
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"I can’t deal with your toxic productivity."
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"Kilometres are more impressive. Why run 3.5 miles when you can run 5k?"
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“I failed Dry January before January began.”