You know the Word On The Street column in TimeOut? Ridiculous stuff overheard in London, tweeted in by readers?
Well, it's mostly my submissions: 95 and counting. I've done a couple of hat-tricks, and one time I got 4 in one issue. I don't know how I do it. Perhaps I'm just constantly surrounded by hilarity. Or by weirdos. I might one day switch to full-time eavesdropping.
Here's the full list of published submissions.
And no, I've never made one up.
"Stop ghosting the new shoe rack, Stef."
"I've just realised I have nine chicken carcasses in the oven."
"I mean, it’s hard to resist a good tentacle."
"Your tears probably smell nice."
"There's only so much you can elevate gnocchi."
"Humans are just inherently disappointing."
"Well, if you're not going to move to Bethnal Green, you may as well fuck off to Mexico."
"You know, this is not the only place in London you can see a jar of moles."
"I love cheese, but mac'n'cheese is too cheesy for me."
"You just don't make meatballs at 5am!"
"Dogs have a very specific agenda, which is 'feed me or I'll die.'"
"I got cock-blocked by a puppy."
“Did you just compare Jesus to a Diet Coke?”
“The thing is, soggy peanuts are not so delightful.”
“Oh yes, there are some ponds over there – but they are quite pathetic.”
“Get off your bloody high horse and get on a Shetland pony.”
“So what? You share 70 percent of your DNA with sweetcorn.”
“I just love St James’s Park — everything is touchable.”
“We need to find out how many blokes lose their balls on stag dos per year.”
“Are you telling me you have a black Armani bag full of your exes’ dildos?”
“I wouldn’t want anyone related to her to go anywhere near my spine.”
“When a burger is taller than it is wide, you know it’s going to be problematic.”
“Let’s just hope that next time we’re here, we get puked on again.”
“God, you're such a stressful loiterer!”
“First off, we need to agree on the surface area of a crumpet.”
“I live for guac.”
“You don’t even need a pee, you just want to pee on a swan.”
“My husband is currently singing a song to a dying hamster.”
“Penguins don’t eat Penguin bars. They need genetically modified fish with jokes inside.”
“Well, I don’t see why you wouldn’t spend all of your time covered in latex and tied up if you own a flat in South Ken.”
“She’s a bartender in Hackney Wick. Of course she’s a feminist.”
“They’re not budgie smugglers! More like eagle smugglers.”
“What do you mean, they’ve taken away the crisps? Is this some kind of a Jamie Oliver situation?”
“We named her Stella. Yeah, after the lager.”
“I find courgettes quite unpredictable.”
“Oh God, I’ve been spelling ‘covfefe’ wrong all this time.”
"I've reached the end of Tinder."
“Cucumbers just ruin everything.”
“Oh my God, I don’t care. Just pick an escalator.”
“I’d much rather talk about dicks than about work.”
“No, no, no. I’m a Virgo. So everything needs to be scheduled.”
“He doesn‘t look like Jim, he looks like that guy who looks like Jim.”
“This is the last time I’m talking about keto in 2019.”
“I’ve never had a bad gravy experience.”
“At school I was famous for despising rave music.”
“Stop telling me where I can and can’t drown!”
“Married life is exactly the same as unmarried life, except that people keep asking 'how's married life'.”
“There’s just no comfortable place for my tongue in my mouth.”
“Pretty sure you need consent to put a dick hat on someone.”
"What can I say? I've never seen an alpaca yawn before."
That pony definitely looks like an overthinker to me."
"There should be a dating app for people who like balconies."
"These profiteroles are sweating profusely."
"It’s true that he’s a psycho, but that’s what I like about him."
“Basically, I've embedded myself within the Peckham whippet community.”
“I’ll probably end up having a kid anyway, just as something to experiment on.”
“I just can’t believe he has lived his whole life without a spatula.”
“Brussels sprouts are basically cabbage embryos.”
“I feel all sticky, and not in a good way.”
“I’m sorry, but how does taking a dump in a bin contribute to the group?”
“Kneecaps are the chins of your legs.”
“Who needs chocolate when you have rye bread?”
“I’m not gluten-intolerant, I’m gluten-prejudiced.”
“Anyone who has tried hash browns knows they are the real stars of the show.”
“I’ve never Dutch-ovened my cat, but I know he wouldn’t mind it.”
“This would’ve been nerdy before. But in 2018, everyone’s an orc.“
“Don’t be ridiculous. Tea is obviously so much better than BDSM.“
“How could you even be from the Arctic Circle? You’re probably from Shadwell.”
“For the last time: I’m a primary school teacher, I can’t shave my eyebrows off!”
"Just because they’re pagans doesn’t mean they can’t wear Gore-Tex, Chloe.”
"So how was the trip? Who's got chlamydia?"
"I only use yellow gesture emoji now. When I pick the white skin ones, I feel racist."
"I like this tree. Looks very deliberate."
"I'm a big believer in cold drinks."
"What happened to Big Ben? Are they fixing Ben's dong?"
"On a personal level, I would love to have more data."
"I think I prefer mushrooms. They understand me better."
"Look, I've been a veggie for three years and it's fine — anaemic, but alive."
"The thing with sausages is that there are no rules."
"I knew he was special when it turned out he also loves the ends of garlic baguettes."
"Plastic bags?! Thanks to you we now have something in our house that will outlive us both."
"Replacing meat with fish is fine, but quorn?! That's tofu territory."
"Surf’n’Turf is an insult to both the lobster and the cow."
"Is the plural for penis spelled p-e-n-i-s-e-s? I've never had to deal with more than one before."
"It’s the first time I’ve ever disagreed with Holly Willoughby."
"If you can't keep a succulent alive, you're not ready for relationships."
"Star Wars is basically EastEnders in space."
"My Instagram has matured a lot."
“I’m an absolute bellend for highlighting and bolding.”
"I couldn't date the kind of person who gets excited about Aerosmith.”
"Everything is free if you have a spoon."
"I had another nightmare about carbs."
"Can we order food first and then talk about your teeth?"
"I can’t deal with your toxic productivity."
"Kilometres are more impressive. Why run 3.5 miles when you can run 5k?"
“I failed Dry January before January began.”